Episodes of Madness

It happens for no reason. No particular reason at all.

When I woke up irritated that morning, I knew it’s going to be a long, bad day. In the deep recesses of my mind, I know madness has struck again.

I can’t remember how things started. But as long as I can recall, I have always been in this situation. One moment you’re perfectly normal, the next you’re ecstatic. In no time you’re back to be being your typical self, but you’ll never know, the next moment you’re on the other end of the emotional spectrum. The dark moods come and consume you. And there is nothing you can do but wonder, “Where did it all go wrong again?”

One would never find an answer to that question. It happens for no reason at all. I’m strange, it’s an out-of-the-box occurrence. For years, I have learned to get by and figure things one at a time. The ecstatic moments make me something like a machine churning out ideas, things run through my mind like news headlines flashing under the TV screen. Though this situation certainly makes one productive, you’ll never want to get caught in it all. I can’t shut off my mind. I can’t sleep, I am restless, and the thoughts wouldn’t stop running. You cannot escape the hype.

But just when you thought the hype is the worst situation to be into, you’ll learn that a trip to the other end sucks big-time. I do get into dark moods out of the blue. I would come home from a great party, yet something feels utterly wrong. I would score excellent in an exam, get a good payment from work, everybody thinks it’s all great, but I just feel down and blue. Depressing. I try to look at things, try to find the damage, only to find out there’s actually nothing wrong. There’s just me, the dark moods, and the blank space. I would sit on it the whole day, for a couple of weeks. The phone would ring, text messages would flood my inbox, all asking where the hell I am because we’ve got a drinking session or a night out with friends. I know better than to bullshit people so I would just stay home and watch all those movies, sleep all day or better yet, spend all the hours contemplating on whether there is something wrong when I know there isn’t. Pretty much like torturing yourself.

More often than not, it happens when something great happens. Those were the days when you get home from a crazy party, or from a shopping gig with mom, or after getting an A in an essay at school… when the people are gone, the hype is over, I would sit on the corner, exhausted, and think, “Is this all?” Sometimes, I imagine things and over those picture-yourself-in-the-scenario moments, I would just give in and tell myself that I’m never gonna be happy. I’m never going to be really happy.

Don’t worry, I can still carry on. It will all pass, and the next moment, I’m at the other end yet again.