Episodes of Madness

It happens for no reason. No particular reason at all.

When I woke up irritated that morning, I knew it’s going to be a long, bad day. In the deep recesses of my mind, I know madness has struck again.

I can’t remember how things started. But as long as I can recall, I have always been in this situation. One moment you’re perfectly normal, the next you’re ecstatic. In no time you’re back to be being your typical self, but you’ll never know, the next moment you’re on the other end of the emotional spectrum. The dark moods come and consume you. And there is nothing you can do but wonder, “Where did it all go wrong again?”

One would never find an answer to that question. It happens for no reason at all. I’m strange, it’s an out-of-the-box occurrence. For years, I have learned to get by and figure things one at a time. The ecstatic moments make me something like a machine churning out ideas, things run through my mind like news headlines flashing under the TV screen. Though this situation certainly makes one productive, you’ll never want to get caught in it all. I can’t shut off my mind. I can’t sleep, I am restless, and the thoughts wouldn’t stop running. You cannot escape the hype.

But just when you thought the hype is the worst situation to be into, you’ll learn that a trip to the other end sucks big-time. I do get into dark moods out of the blue. I would come home from a great party, yet something feels utterly wrong. I would score excellent in an exam, get a good payment from work, everybody thinks it’s all great, but I just feel down and blue. Depressing. I try to look at things, try to find the damage, only to find out there’s actually nothing wrong. There’s just me, the dark moods, and the blank space. I would sit on it the whole day, for a couple of weeks. The phone would ring, text messages would flood my inbox, all asking where the hell I am because we’ve got a drinking session or a night out with friends. I know better than to bullshit people so I would just stay home and watch all those movies, sleep all day or better yet, spend all the hours contemplating on whether there is something wrong when I know there isn’t. Pretty much like torturing yourself.

More often than not, it happens when something great happens. Those were the days when you get home from a crazy party, or from a shopping gig with mom, or after getting an A in an essay at school… when the people are gone, the hype is over, I would sit on the corner, exhausted, and think, “Is this all?” Sometimes, I imagine things and over those picture-yourself-in-the-scenario moments, I would just give in and tell myself that I’m never gonna be happy. I’m never going to be really happy.

Don’t worry, I can still carry on. It will all pass, and the next moment, I’m at the other end yet again.

Brewing Reality: Prologue

 

After publishing that article last year, I found myself contemplating on whether I overreacted to the situation or I was just emotionally weak to deal with it. The best way that I thought of to realize everything was to cross-examine myself first. I looked back on how we’ve come to that point and it was surprising to discover how every piece fell into its place the moment I understood the whole thing.

It is during that process of contemplating that I came up with this series of writings. It was like therapy doing this. Recently I found these writings in a forgotten folder while I was getting rid of old files in my laptop. And I decided all of the writings could be arranged to form something like a memoir, and so I edited parts, arranged one after another, and came up with this series of essays. Let me start the series with this one.

 

“Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.”

 

Brewing Reality

Prologue

Everybody knows that I have abandoned my frequent drinking for sometime. And while everybody also thinks I have given up the recurrent drinking for good, I might want to clear the situation here. It’s a temporary sacrifice, not a permanent vow.

 The whole idea of not touching liquor was not an overnight decision, nor was it a direct thought on the subject. I woke up one day and I just felt that I needed a break from living the fast-paced life because I think I’m messing up everything. And the first thing I thought of was to start teaching myself how to say NO. I’m too nice, I can’t say no… It has always been my weakness. When friends suggest we go out for some coffee on early afternoons, I’ll say yes, even when I know coffee cracks my nerves. We end up cutting late afternoon classes because the couch felt too comfortable or the gossips were too juicy and loaded compared to my Spanish class lessons. When, usually on Friday afternoons, friends plan the not-so-impromptu drinking session… count me, I’m on it, because before I could say “no, I can’t, I have readings to finish tonight” we were already hopping on the cab, scrambling our way to get out of the campus. Of course, I was dragged into cab and all I can do was to hope mom is asleep by the time I get home. One may not find it abusive to drink and have fun on Friday nights and weekends, and yes, I agree. However, the dilemma here is, once you catch the spirit, everyday could be a Friday, and the next morning might end up feeling like a Saturday just because your head’s still quite heavy from last night’s drink-until-u-drop.

 

That is where I’m coming. I had to start saying no, think through things, and decide which ones I can commit to. And so I’ve been clean and sober from last quarter last year, and I’m proud (but I’m hurtin’) to say, until this day.

 And to think that I’m denying myself even a shot of any liquor… I’m now telling myself that I must be crazy to continue this. Nevertheless, because I pride myself in saying that I always keep my word and hold on to the principle behind my every decision, I’m still on this. But here’s the catch: This was all because I wanted to teach myself how to say NO. And over the past months of torturing myself, I’m proud to say that I learned my lesson. I have said no to who knows how many drinking sessions. I have let parties passed because there’s no sense on partying without the booze. Now I know how to say NO when I know it is the best answer to give. This little sacrifice is worth it, and the next time a cold bottle would make its way to me, I know I am as free as I want to be to greet it and say, “It’s been a long time, let’s get this party on!”